self-centeredness

i talk with these people and read what they've written and think about the implications of their unspoken words and actions and im intimidated. and i feel so inadequate sometimes. like there should be some deep, philosophical topic im struggling with. or some fault God and I should be working through. or some giant social injustice i should be actively advocating against. and that i am not at a level to be talking with these people because i'll just sound ignorant (which i know i am in most cases) or not passionate enough or not (fill in the blank) enough.

but then i think "why am i comparing myself to these other people? true, they are wonderful examples to look up to for wisdom and insight, but truth of the matter is, i am not them and im not at a place they are. but that's ok. we're not called to be the most insightful or the most reflective or whatnot. (not to say we shouldn't continually be growing) simply to be obedient to the God of love and mercy. and to extend that love to anyone and everyone."

then i think "why do i keep thinking "i"? my whole center of focus needs to change. i don't really know how. and i wonder how to have this focus on other people when my own life is so screwed up and my ineffiencies and excuses get in the way (in my mind). can we truely be God's witness to others if our own lives are not what we preach? i don't pretend to be this high and mighty person who has all the answers. to be honest, sometimes i just don't care. and i think that when i truely abandon myself and let my thoughts become more insync with God's, these apathetic moments and stumbles over the perceptions of what i think is the right way will slowly disappear. im not there yet. but if im like thomas and stay faithful to the community of believers, God will reveal himself to me.

so im kind of in a rut. not really sure what to do or where to go, but being honest with God and myself seems like a pretty good place to start. at least, it's the best i know how to deal with it right now, so that's what im gonna act on. may God meet me and soften my callous heart.